I thought about thinking about things tonight.
I used to have thoughts on things. I used to pretend to have insights. Now I just feel pretentious.
Maybe I’m just tired.
Part of me is real curious to why I go about at the pace I’m going. What are the goals I had intended to achieve?
Are they all accomplished; no, not all. Are they all abandoned; well, some are. Where do I see myself in five years? One year? How am I making the means to get there?
It’s a little strange how things get set aside, and then grow and grow and then come back to mind so unlike they were before. I seem to have to keep fending and fighting off these growing and changing ideas. These processes that will take me to the next leg of the race, the next part of the year, the next goal on the goal-sheet. Everyone says that you should look at things from a different perspective, in order to gain new insight. Well, what if each angle makes the opposition look just as daunting as the rest of them?
Right now it feels like I’m running. I’m running forwards, but to the fields of beyond deadlines, and the looming sinister feelings of could-have-but-didn’t. It feels like I have the things I need put just out of reach; things like preparedness or responsibility. It seems that I’m chasing a carrot, but not feeling the weight of the rider on my shoulders. Right now what I need the most, is a sense of direction. I need to know what I am doing and how to get there.
Maybe I don’t even really know what I need. But then, that last thought is bullshit.
Maybe I do know what I need, but am so used to not trying hard enough.
Maybe I’m learning that I cannot continue to operate at the same old pace any longer.
Maybe I just need some certainty.
GOD, I need certainty.
Tim,
In a mass e-mail you sent out November 13th, 2004, you wrote the following:
“I’ll close with my hundred word mission statement, written a few weeks ago. It isn’t written in a special way, but in those short words, it encompasses
what I want to get out of the next five years.
I will enjoy each day as a gift. I will honour my body as GOD’s
temple. I aim to pay off the credit I spend for schooling within one
year of it’s completion. I want to be frugal, making wise investments.
I will pursue my passions an earn a living from them. I plan to be
well trained and educated, earning at least double minimum wage. I
will surround myself with strong and meaningful friendships; and be a
positive and uplifting person to those around me. I aim to be socially
adept; a friend to many, a mentor to some. I intend to find the woman
I will call my wife. I will find contentment. I intend to see others
through GOD’s eyes. I will develop a devotional pattern. I will have a
faith in Jesus Christ, that is strong and secure, not dependant on
emotion or extensive fact. I will read the entire Bible, and better
understand GOD’s voice.
This is what I aim to achieve within five years. ”
I always thought it was a pretty sweet mission statement. I’m working on drafting my own, ’cause lately I’ve been stressing about the whole “five-year-plan” thing too.
Sometimes it seems as though the only certainty in life is God. Discerning which path to take is tough. But, I like the goals you set for yourself in your mission statement.
If there was one thing I learned whilst in the bush tree planting last May and June, it’s the importance of goal-setting.